


I Do My Best To Hide It (But My Friends All Know)

by ConsiderableColors



Series: Neil Perry Is Not Okay [8]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Domestic Boyfriends, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medication, Neil Perry Is Depressed, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Therapy, Todd Anderson Has Anxiety, mentions of:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 14:09:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19358572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: He remembers when Charlie asked. He'd tried to make light of it, a teasing "Drugs, Anderson? And you're not even sharing?"Cameron still hasn't said anything, clearly curious but trying to be polite. Knox and Pitts smile warmly when they see him taking them. Meeks once raised an identical pill and said "cheers", which was cool in a weird sort of way.Todd tells them all the same thing; "It's just medicine I have to take." Neil's the only one who hasn't asked yet.Or, Neil and Todd both take pills.Title taken from My Life Sucks by Scotty Sire.





	I Do My Best To Hide It (But My Friends All Know)

**Author's Note:**

> Normally I wait a little between posting these, but your local mentally ill gay got struck with inspiration, so here: Have Neil and Todd being amazing boyfriends to each other with a side of healing.

It starts the way many things do as of late: a nosy Neil. Todd supposes he can't blame him, though. Neil's gone almost three months without asking, which shows a good amount of restraint. Still, this is Neil Perry. It's bound to happen.

He remembers when Charlie asked. He'd tried to make light of it, a teasing "Drugs, Anderson? And you're not even sharing?" 

Cameron still hasn't said anything, clearly curious but trying to be polite. 

Knox and Pitts smile warmly when they see him taking them.

Meeks once raised an identical pill and said "cheers", which was cool in a weird sort of way. 

Todd tells them all the same thing; "It's just medicine I have to take." 

Neil's the only one who hasn't asked yet. He's still wondering, and nervous to ask, but Todd can't stand being stared at. "Yes?"

"Can I ask what those are for?"

Todd looks down at the bottle in his hand, debating. It's not hard to believe, and honestly, everyone's probably figured it out already, but it's something Todd's never quite been able to brush off. "It's... For my anxiety."

Neil nods. "How often do you have to take them?" 

"I have one I take if- if I'm having a panic attack." He holds up the bottle. "Otherwise, one of these every day, if I ever remember." 

Neil chuckles at that.

"I don't exactly... Have the best history of staying on track of them." And it bites me in the ass, Todd stops himself from adding.

After a moment, Neil dives for his phone and taps away at it.

"What are you-"

The phone is pushed into his hands triumphantly. "I set up a daily notification! That way I can help you keep up!" Neil's eyes widen. "If you're okay with that?"

Is he okay with that?

He's not a child. As he's explained to his roommate plenty of times, he can, in fact, look after himself. Besides, the last thing he wants is to be a burden. Neil's not his mother. He shouldn't keep trying to be. Todd is a big boy. He's been on these meds for years. He's a pro. He doesn't need to be someone's calendar space.

Then again, Todd's gone weeks at a time without his medicine before, always caught up in something else, and God knows no one at home has the time to remind him. It yields disastrous results. Maybe not at first glance, but for Todd? The shitty appetite, shitty insomnia, shitty attitude, shitty migraines... It's all quite shitty. And Neil's offering.

Neil's offering. Todd's own damn parents have to practically be begged to drive to the damn CVS and refill the prescription before their son passes out, but here's the magical Neil, not even batting an eye.

"Yeah, no. I mean, yes. You- I don't mind. I'm... I'm okay with that."

Pretty soon, anxiety just becomes another part of parenting Todd. Make sure he's participating, make sure he's happy, make sure he's writing, make sure he's relaxed, etc. It was awkward at first, but Todd's grown really grateful. It's nice to not have to hide it from someone, especially someone he's basically living with. 

And when Todd does have attacks, Neil always seems to know how to calm him down. Whether Neil read up on these things or just knows Todd that well is anyone's guess. Regardless, Todd hasn't missed a day in months, and the change is spectacular. 

"That's probably why it was prescribed as a daily thing," Neil muses when Todd tells him this. 

Maybe it's not even the medication. Maybe Todd just feels safe. Safe with his friends, his brothers. And his boyfriend. And his home, because that's what Welton is becoming to him. He finally understands why most of them never go home for the holidays. This stuck-up prison cell is amazing when the Poets are there. 

Eventually, he does tell everyone about the anxiety. Fittingly enough, doing it makes him incredibly anxious. However, he knows he's made the right choice when instead of some quip, Charlie says, "Anything we can do to help out?"

No one's ever more on top of it than Neil. That's why the current situation is catching Todd off guard.

"You take your pills today?"

"Yep."

"Bottle still looks full."

Neil doesn't say anything, reading on the bed. Todd sits in front of him and taps the book lightly. Neil looks up.

"You have to take these, Neil."

"I know, I know, I did."

"Did you?"

Neil sets the book aside and smiles lightly. It's fake. It's forced. Neil's a fantastic actor, but an awful liar. "I think I might not need them anymore. It's been a little while since I've had one, and I feel great."

Todd sighs. "That's not your decision to make, Neil. You can't just stop without telling the doctor."

"I'm fine, Todd. Promise."

Todd puts the bottle in his hand. "Please?"

"They're not helping."

"Than tell Dr. Lauren that! And you can try something else."

Neil sits up. "Right. Lexapro, Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Sarafem, all flops, but hey, 90th time's the charm."

"I know it's not easy-"

"It's bullshit! I don't need any of this."

"Who cares if you need it? This can help you."

"I don't need help. This isn't gonna kill me." Neil turns, signaling he's done with the conversation.

Well, Todd isn't. "It almost did." He says quietly. He can see Neil tense. "It came very, very close."

"Todd... I'm not..."

"No. I'm not- I won't lose you, Neil. I- I can't. You're depressed. That's not- that's not something to be ashamed of. You just... You have to..."

Neil's still turned away from him, deflated.

"You can't give up. Not on this. Not on- on me. Or you. If the Lexapro isn't working, you need to tell someone that. You can't just stop. You can't."

"I won't..." He trails off. Todd knows what he's going to say. Neil's said it before. Neil's held his hand, and kissed his neck, and cuddled close to him, and whispered in his ear. He's promised he won't try... That again. He's promised, but Todd isn't stupid. He knows you can't promise something like that. Todd's terrified to lose him. 

Jeffrey used to tease him, saying he was scared of everything. Jeffrey never understood the differences. Nervous is how Todd feels when he says "you too" to the waiter. Anxious is how Todd feels when he gets called on in class. Scared is how Todd feels when Meeks and Pitts drag them all to a horror film. Terrified is how Todd felt when they found out Neil was in the hospital because he'd tried to commit suicide. 

Todd's soothed Neil through anxiety attacks late at night. He's coaxed him into eating something, swearing he deserves it. He's sung him to sleep after nightmares. He's written lines of abandoned poems up and down his arms and legs so they don't get taken up by cuts instead. He's dragged him away from his desk and convinced him homework can wait until tomorrow. He's reassured him it's okay to not know all the answers sometimes. He's explained it's okay to not feel as smart as he did when he was younger.

He's made up silly stories to cheer him up. He's laid with him for hours, doing absolutely nothing, when the stories aren't enough. He's helped him figure out why that seemingly-normal day is so bad (Have you eaten? Did you sleep well? Did you talk to someone today?). He's told him he's enough more times than he can count. He's showed him how much he's loved. He's even cussed out Mr. Perry once. Despite all of it, he's terrified he needs to be doing more. 

Todd moves closer, and grabs Neil's hand, and cups his cheek so they're looking at each other. 

"Please, Neil. It helps. You gotta let it help."

"I should be better," Neil mumbles. "Shouldn't need this. If I could just... Fake it."

"You can't act this away, Neil. And you- you shouldn't have to."

They sit there for a few minutes, completely silent. Just staying close. Neil's the one to speak up. "I'll talk to her next week."

Todd kisses his hand. "Thank you."

It's quiet again, before Neil says something else. "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

"Is something wrong with me?"

"Of course not," Neil says instantly. 

"Well, there you go."

"But I mean, all this. I've switched therapists twice, and I still can't find a pill that works, and..."

"You like Dr. Lauren though?" Neil nods. "And she said she's still got ideas if this one doesn't work, right?" Another nod. "Okay. Then you're doing great."

"It feels like I'm broken," He admits. "Nothing's working."

"It took me months to settle on Amitriptyline. My parents wanted to kill me." 

Neil snorts. "I think mine do too."

"It doesn't matter how long it takes. All that matters is you feel okay."

"Not perfect?"

"One step at a time."

Neil sighs. "One step at a time."

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is considerablecolors if you'd like to stop by!


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